“Sir, don’t do anything rash. Just put, the penis, down.” “Never!” He kept his penis firmly in hand and pointed at the woman’s temple. “I’m on the edge! I could blow my top at any time! You meet my demands, or you’ll be responsible for what happens!”

“What do you need?” The negotiator took a sip of water. This wasn’t her first time at the rodeo.

“One hundred thousand dollars in unmarked bills, a car, and a police escort to the border. Once I cross the border, I’ll let her go! Make the car an Escalade!”

A lieutenant whispered in the negotiator’s ear. “Compensating for something?” She shushed him, just as the criminal looked down and shouted, “And some lube! Lube now!”

“All right,” she called back. “I’m sending someone for lube. But we have to talk about the rest!” To the lieutenant, she whispered, “Go get lube, but don’t show up with it until I radio. With any luck, he’ll dry out and have to stop.”

“But what if the increased friction makes him--” The hostage screamed. “Oh. Oh, no,” said the lieutenant, face white.

The negotiator steeled her face. “It never gets any easier when we lose one.”