Losing the Weight

Diego looked at himself in the bathroom mirror after his shower. "I wish I'd lost twenty pounds." He squinted at his reflection as the mirror suddenly fogged up again, and the fog took on a purplish cast.

"GRRRRRANTED!" boomed a voice. Diego looked around, saw nothing, and turned back to see the mirror had cleared and now reflected him and a swole man with a broad, bearded grin and no shirt. Diego looked around again and saw no one.

"Are you only in the mirror?"

The genie shrugged. "I'm trying a new thing!" he boomed. "Look, your twenty pounds is missing!" He paused while Diego gasped in awe. "It is truly lost!"

"Oh my god, thank you!" He turned to shake the genie's hand and realized anew that he was only in the mirror. "Is there... um, anything else I should know?"

"PRRRRRROBABLYYYYYY," echoed the genie as he faded into purple mist and then evaporated entirely.

Diego defended the surprise genie to his friends for years until the day he most unpleasantly discovered that what is lost can also be found. It's hard to impress an investor when twenty pounds of adipose tissue come spilling out of the liquor cabinet.

A Locked Door Genie Mystery

Lieutenant Gerhardt looked across the crime scene. Three bodies, two of them shot, one crushed by a couch that the other two were on, the door barred from the inside, and no gun. "Jesus, I wish I was like Sherlock Holmes."

A purplish mist rose in the crime scene. "Grrrrranted!" boomed the voice of a muscular, bearded man wearing no shirt who appeared in the room, grinning.

Gerhardt put a hand on his gun, as did the two uniforms on site. He felt sweat prickle at his skin. His frustration transmuted into a nameless fear gnawing at his bowels.

"No," he said. "When you show up, things go wrong." He pulled his gun and pointed it with quivering hands. "You just leave, all right?"

The genie was already fading into mist. "It is already doooooone," he echoed through the room. "You are like Sherlock Holmes!"

"Then why don't I know who did it?" Gerhardt holstered his gun on the second try and pulled a handkerchief to wipe his paling brow.

"People forget Holmes also had a heroin habiiiiiit...."

One of the uniforms elbowed the other. "Call the union rep, yeah? I think he's going to need some help with this."

You Have to Say

The three police officers waited in the precinct lot. One stood, two leaned on their cars, but none was at ease. "God, I wish this guy would show up," Officer Brusky said. "Stop it," said Sergeant Chopra. "It doesn't work like that."

"Yeah," added Officer Millikan. "You have to say something like, 'I wish I could run faster than Usain Bolt,' and then he shows up."

They didn't notice the purple smoke drifting out of their tailpipes until it coalesced into a muscular man with a broad smile. They jumped when he clapped his hands and boomed, "Your wish is granted!"

Service weapons practically leapt into the officers' hands. "You're under arrest," Chopra shouted. At the same time Brusky stammered, "What wish?"

"The wish to run faster, of course! Look at your phone!" Against Chopra's direction, Millikan holstered her weapon and checked the news. The surprise genie crossed his arms and looked smug. "Oh my god," she said, "look." She showed around a breaking news article: Bolt had just broken both legs in an accident.

"I didn't wish that!" she cried.

Chopra repeated, "You're under arrest!"

"Of course you did, Officer," the genie said. "And under arrest for what?"

"Um, battery. On Bolt," said the sergeant.

Millikan said, "But I didn't mean it!"

"I never touched him, your Honor," said the genie, dissolving into mist. "And you don't have to mean the words. You think anyone else thinks their wish will come true?" He vanished.

"Dammit," cried Brusky, whose trigger finger looked itchy.

"Told you this wouldn't work," Chopra said.

Officer Millikan met with the department counselor a few times, then returned to work. A month later, she ran down a fleeing suspect with unbelievable speed. The next day, the news revealed that Bolt's supposed injury had been a hoax.

Danger of Further Sleep

Manny looked blearily at his alarm clock. He wondered if he'd just hit snooze or off, then wondered if he'd wake up again even if it blared more shitty 80s music. "God," he croaked, "I wish I could sleep longer." He closed his eyes and hoped he wouldn't be late for work. "You can!" boomed a deep voice, eliminating all danger of further sleep. Manny sat upright to see a large man in his small studio apartment, smiling at him with gleaming white teeth. He was muscular from the waist up and an intangible wisp from the waist down.

"How'd you get in?" Manny scrambled for the baseball bat he kept by the bed.

"I'm the surprise genie!" the man boomed. "Now, you can sleep as long as you want, no interruptions, guaranteed!"

Manny blinked. "Really?"

"Truly!" The genie grinned.

"So, I can go back to sleep?"

"Of course! Farewell!" The genie disappeared with a sound like a balloon popping and a burst of purple mist. Manny went back to sleep and got to work three hours late and received a reprimand. As he ground his teeth over it, he heard a distant, "The power was within you all along!"

Some Mood Lighting

The light flickered when Ksenia turned it on, and it kept flickering. "Stupid lamp," she said. "I need a lamp that works." Joasia sat forward in the secondhand recliner. "Maybe some mood lighting."

"Yeah, that would be nice. I wish I had a lava lamp. Uh..." The flickering light tinged purple as a mist rose up out of the central air vents.

"Your wish is grrrrrrranted!" boomed a deep voice, and a muscular man appeared. "Behold!" The flickering lamp now cast an ominous glow as lava poured from its lampshade. It pooled on the floor, which creaked and smoldered, promising a conflagration.

"That doesn't count," Joasia said. The two women moved away from the lava.

"It is a lamp of lava, is it not?" The genie grinned.

"I guess, but Lava Lamp is a trademark. It's a specific product. This isn't a Lava Lamp."

"I..." The genie's grin faltered. "Really?"

Ksenia blinked. "Um, yeah. That's definitely what I meant. You have to undo... this. Right now." She had backed into a corner.

With a petulant wave of his hand, the genie returned everything to normal, and vanished.

Ksenia sighed in relief. "Was all that true? About the trademark?"

Joasia shrugged.

Viewers Like You

"Now me show you Elmo's friends!" babbled the furry red puppet. Three-year-old Suzy watched raptly. Her mother Susan winced and tried to focus on her book, but the puppet's shrill laughter made it impossible. Muttering under her breath to avoid disturbing Suzy's fun, Susan said, "I wish this show featured less of Elmo." A purplish mist roiled into the living room through the air return. Suzy looked at it and then at her mother, but before either could speak a deep voice said, "Grrrrrranted!" A muscular man appeared from the mist, smiling broadly.

"Now it's time for Indiana Elmo and the Last Who Said!" cried the red monster. "Who said that? Let's find out!" Standing at a cobwebbed tunnel, Elmo said, "The patient one will pass." He paused a heartbeat. "Okay, Elmo's done being patient!" Elmo ran forward and a scythe severed Elmo's head at the neck. Elmo screamed and blood shot everywhere. As the puppet flailed, Susan saw foreshortened fingers gushing red, lost in the red fur of the monster.

Suzy screamed along with Elmo. Susan turned on the genie in the fury, but before she could speak he said, "Buh-bye, now!" and burst into a fading purple fog.